Old Yeller

Melinda, I found your post interesting because, actually, I’m pretty much the opposite.  My issue is that I yell back too much.  I can recall a few different times when I’ve either yelled or spoken in a very strong, straightforward manner to “authorities,” both male and female.  One time it was a male coach, once a female coach, once a male boss.  I’m sure there are others, but those are the three I am thinking of off the top of my head. 

The results have often been sort of a mixed bag. My opinions are definitely heard, but these reactions on my part don’t often lead to long-term changes in policy, actions, etc. As I mature, I’m learning to reign in these impulses to yell, often in favor of a more tactical approach. Sometimes this includes silence. It almost always includes figuring out the circumstances in which an indiviudual person will best respond to what I’m saying or what I want, and that almost never includes yelling. There’s a trade-off involved – to get what I want, I have to cater to another’s logic, sensitivities, etc. It’s retaining control while making the other think he has control. It’s a bit of a manipulative game, one that I sort of enjoy and that I’m getting kind of good at.

I’ve always had issues with authority, so I probably fall on an extreme end of the spectrum. My parents and middle-class, small-town elementary school started teaching me early on that I’m unique!, I’m special!, and I have valid thoughts and opinons, and they should be heard.  There’s nothing more frustrating to me than a meely mouse, someone too timid to speak up or have an independent thought. I don’t care what a person’s opinion is, I just want her to have one.  I’ve also been taught to question things and to not blindly follow something or someone that doesn’t make sense. 

Because of this, my default is to speak out.  My newer and more nuanced approach is silence followed by a strategic response.  I can see how for other women, the default is silence. I don’t think that silence in and of itself is a bad thing. I think the problem is when the silence is part of a bigger issue of non-assertiveness. In different contexts, silence can be indicative of power or weakness, and the yelling/silence choice is not always a binary one.